Oops.. <!--emo&:o--><img src='style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ohmy.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='ohmy.gif' /><!--endemo--> Sorry. Thought you were serious.
On bright side, I might saved some online jingos from burning couple CPU cycles drafting yet another petition. My good deed of the day <!--emo&--><img src='style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<!--QuoteBegin-->QUOTE<!--QuoteEBegin-->One day Mani Sucker Iyer came running to Sonia Manio...all sweating
Mani Shankar Iyer : Sonia ji , Sonia ji, We have been attacked by Pakistan on West & China on East !!!
Sonia : Shut up My-Knee... , call an emergency meeting of Manmohan,Arjun,Lalu from Bihar,Kalu from T.N,etc.
Mani promptly gets up on his feet & reaches for the phone...
Sonia : And yea, before that book tickets for me,Rahul & Priyanka for Italy.
===================================
Rahul : Mummy, Mummy when will i become the P.M ?
Sonia : Son, being P.M is not easy. You need lot of traits.
Rahul : Mummy, what do you mean by traits.
Sonia : Rahul, you are such an idiot. How did you ever graduate ??
Rahul : Mummy, are't you are forgetting something ?
===================================
Shekhar Gupta : I think India is now a truely secular Nation.
Prannoy roy : Yea. But i think there's need to demonize BJP further. Till that time the mission will remain incomplete.
Vinod Mehta : Boss. Why do you worry ? I have already spoken to my Pakistani counterparts & some liberals in Europe. BJP's days are numbered.They are all with us.
N.Ram : Yea, but what about human rights ? That industry needs growth.
Praful Bidwai : Arey Baba, i have already filed 3 more fake cases in Supreme Court. And i know the judge. We can get all the terrorists released within days.
Rajdeep Sardesai : But there's still work to be done. Modi is still C.M of Gujarat.
All : Shut up Rajdeep. It's b'cos of you, he's the CM.
===================================
Shekhar Gupta : Sagarika, your last article was pathetic. We have received so many hate mails that our server has come crashing down. You should tame yourself. Understand ?
Sagarika : Shekhar, do you want to "Walk the talk" or no ?
Shekhar Gupta : Mmmm... Ok !! Did i tell you that you are now promoted to Senior Editor & M.D
===================================
Mani Sucker Iyer : Secretary, I want all the symbols of Hinduism removed from Government Buildings.
Secretary : Saaar, like what ?
Mani Sucker Iyer : Anything. Anything.
Secretary : Saar, instead of that, why don't we do one thing? We can paint all the government offices with Green Color.Green is color of Islam. In one shot we can kill two birds.
Mani Sucker Iyer : Smart baay.... And yea send a mail to TOI's editor. I want a headline in newspapers tomorrow.
"Mani Iyer :The Architect of the Next Green Revolution".
===================================
Secretary : Renuka Ji, we got a call from Tamil Nadu's Home secretary.They have cancelled tomorrow's inauguration.
Renuka Choudhary : What ? Have they cancelled the opening of new Tourism center in Chennai?
Secretary : Ma'm. yea you are right. mmmm... actually ma'm... The T.N government says, it will need some more time
to build the stage which can take you & Jayalalitha ji together.
===================================
06 April, 2005 16:28 <!--QuoteEnd--><!--QuoteEEnd-->
x posted from BR:
Are you sure you are lookiing at the right picture?
Kid you not, my first hit on pakistna bus in google (images) shows:
<img src='http://www.kenzemach.com/pakistanphotos/10030006.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image' />
Along with the poetry: (Again I kid you not..)
<!--QuoteBegin-->QUOTE<!--QuoteEBegin-->Every few days in Pakistan,
I get on a bus that's more like a van!
I'm so nervous, I sit and shake;
I hope this Tragic Bus has brakes.
Thank you, driver, for knowing how to steer,
But the bus needs an inspection, that I fear.
I don't want to cause no fuss
But can I get off your Tragic Bus?
Tragic Bus! Tragic Bus! Tragic Bus! Tragic Bus
This Tragic Bus is low on features.
Could we possibly fit any more farm creatures?
The smell of gas and exhaust is another factor
Why I got off and hitched a ride in the back of a Tractor!
I vommit, I vommit, I vommit, I vomit
<!--QuoteEnd--><!--QuoteEEnd-->
And again gentle readers, I kid you not, the Lyrics are being changed to
(I guess in the spirit of peace .. "Tragic" is " magic" now
<!--QuoteBegin-->QUOTE<!--QuoteEBegin-->
Every day I get in queue;
To get on the bus that takes me to you!
I'm so nervous, I just sit and smile.
Your house is only another mile
Magic Bus! Magic Bus! Magic Bus! Magic Bus!
Thank you, driver, for getting me here,
You'll be an inspector, have no fear.
I don't want to cause no fuss
But can I buy your Magic Bus?
Magic Bus! Magic Bus! Magic Bus! Magic Bus!
I don't care how much I pay
I wanna drive my bus to my Srânagar each day.
Chahso rupeeya every day ( Is the fare on 600 rupees?)
'Cause I drive my baby every way.
Magic Bus etc..
I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it!
<!--QuoteEnd--><!--QuoteEEnd-->
There are more poems and poetry .. Enjoy .. just google or or click here
An old Indian reached the checkpoint at the Karachi international airport. The Pakistani official asked for passport and papers. The Indian said he didnt have any. The Pakistani official was furious. He said, "Dont you know you need passport and visa to enter Pakistan". To this the old India answered that he didnt know that papers were needed to enter Pakistan and that he had entered Pakistan in the past without papers and no one asked him for them. The Pakistani official was furious and said that it was impossible. The old Indian answered, "I am telling the truth. I landed on Karachi beach on 4th Dec 1971 and no-one was there asking me for papers.
During an International conference, American and Indian scientist, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their countries have achieved in the field of medicine.
The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms. So we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's grown up and became a professional boxer and a gold medalist in the Olympics!"
The Indian replied, "Is that all you have achieved just gold medalists? In Patna, Bihar, we had a baby boy born without a HEAD! We attached a COCONUT and he has grown up and now he is the railway minister of India!!
_____
Railway Minister Laloo, Rabri, and their son were vacationing in south by train.
Laloo was occupying the lower berth, Rabri the middle berth and their son the top most berth.
The train stopped at one station and son asked Laloo to bring him Cadburys chocolates.
When Laloo and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.
Upset and angry, Laloo called Ticket checker & asked for help. The Ticket checker said that he could not understand Hindi or Bihari so it would be nice if Laloo explained the whole situation to him in English.
So Laloo explained, "That man⦠sleeping on top of my wife⦠is not giving birth to my child."
<!--QuoteBegin-->QUOTE<!--QuoteEBegin-->Deals and debates
Many years ago, I met a senior official of the World Bank who had dealt with both India and South Korea in his official capacity. I asked him how interacting with the two countries was different. He thought for a while and said: "The Koreans always came looking for a deal. The Indians always came looking to win an intellectual debate."
<!--QuoteEnd--><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Kinda reminds me of many BR members. <!--emo&:tv--><img src='style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tv_feliz.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tv_feliz.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------<
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"
--Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A
billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
Thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man
thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars a and
beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Application Form for Indian Politicians
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting our Elections
1. Name of Candidate : _______________________
2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________
3. Political Party : _______________________
(List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)
4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian
C - Bangladesh
D - Pakistan
E - Columbia
F - Others
6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above
7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue
(if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)
8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs
9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)
10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
(Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years
11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.
(Details of Total Amount of Scam, Please mention the Following
A - Within 10 Crores
B - Above 10 Crores but within 50 Crores
C -
12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow...
(Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)
13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - Christanise
B - Islamise
C - Ethnic Cleansing of Hindus
D - Terrorise
14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate
(Not that of the person who filled the form)
<b>Arab Goes Insane On Live TV</b>
<i>2005-06-24 - I have no words for this video, first the guys protesting in NYC and now this. Does Koran translate into Poltergeist somewhere? This guy is absolutely insane.</i>
<img src='http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v130/indiaforum/patna2.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image' />
.
A plump doll, called Lalooji, is pictured on the shelves in a toy store in Patna on June 6, 2005. Lalooji is manufactured by a Mumbai-based company and went on sale in Bihar recently for Rs 144. Railway Minister Lalu Prasad is beaming after the doll in his likeness has been snapped up from toy stores in Bihar where he will soon contest elections.
Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not."
"You guess right."
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"<i>Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?</i>"
The survey was a huge failure....... because
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In Asia they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
> ----- The phone rings.
> > The lady of the house answers, "Yes?
> > Mrs. Ward, please."
> > "Speaking"
> > "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical
> > Testing Laboratory.
> > When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the
> > lab, the samples
> > from
> > another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now
> > uncertain which one is
> > your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or
> > terrible."
> > "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
> > "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for
> > Alzheimers disease (related
> > to
> > memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which
> > your husband's is"
> > "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
> > questions Mrs. Ward.
> > "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these
> > expensive tests more
> > than
> > once."
> > "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
> > "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
> > husband off in the
> > middle of town.
> > If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
> >
> You never know it might be true one day after all! Enjoy. ->
> > OUTSOURCING EFFECTS IN AMERICA
> >
> > It is the year 2020 and call centers are opening all over the West, as the
>
> > new economic power, India, outsources work to the countries where many
> > jobs originated. Millions of Americans, still struggling to adapt to a
> > global economy, are willing to accept jobs that pay them in a new currency
>
> > sweeping much of the world: EuRupees.
> >
> > Some of them, eager to land one of the customer service jobs from India,
> > are attending special training sessions in New York City, led by language
> > specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes by a simpler name for his Indian clients:
>
> > Devendra Ramaswaminathan.
> >
> > On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching three ambitious students
>
> > how to communicate with Indian customers.
> >
> > Professor: "Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need to give you Indian
> > names. Gary, from now on, you'll be known to your customers as Gaurav.
> > Randy, you'll be Ranjit. And Jane, you'll be Jagadamba. Now imagine you
> > just received a call from Delhi. What do you say?"
> >
> > Gary: "Name as tea?"
> >
> > Professor: "I think you mean 'namaste.' Very good. But what do you say
> > after that?"
> >
> > Gary: "How can I help you?"
> >
> > Professor: "You're on the right track. Anyone else?"
> >
> > Jane: "How can I be helping you?"
> >
> > Professor: "Good try! You're using the correct tense, but it's not quite
> > right. Anyone else?"
> >
> > Randy: "How I can be helping you?"
> >
> > Professor: "Wonderful! Word order is very important. Okay, let's try
> > some small talk. Give me a comment that would help you make a connection
> > with your Indian customers."
> >
> > Randy: "It's really hot, isn't it?"
> >
> > Professor: "The heat is always a good topic, but you haven't phrased it
> > correctly. Try again."
> >
> > Randy: "It's deadly hot, isn't it?"
> >
> > Professor: "That's better. But your tag question can be greatly
> > improved."
> >
> > Randy: "It's deadly hot, no?"
> >
> > Professor: "Wonderful! You can put 'no?' at the end of almost any
> > statement. You are understanding me, no?"
> >
> > Jane: "Yes, we are understanding you, no?"
> >
> > Professor (smiles): "We may need to review this later. But let's move on
> > to other things. Have you ever heard Indians use the word 'yaar'?"
> >
> > Randy: "Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time. Just last night, one
> > of them said to me, 'Randy, give me yaar password. I am needing it to fix
>
> > yaar computer."
> >
> > Professor (laughs): "That's a different 'yaar,' yaar. The 'yaar' that I'm
>
> > talking about means friend or buddy. You can use it if you've developed a
>
> > camaraderie with a customer. For example, you can say, 'Come on, yaar. I
>
> > am offering you the best deal.' Do you understand, Jagadamba?"
> >
> > Jane: "Yaar, I do."
> >
> > Professor (smiles): "Okay, let's talk about accents. If your client says
> > 'I yam wery vorried about vat I bought for my vife,' how would you
> > respond?"
> >
> > Randy: "Please don't be vorrying, yaar. She vill be wery happy and vill
> > give you a vild time tonight."
> >
> > Professor: "Vunderful! I mean, wonderful. You have a bright future,
> > Ranjit. And so do you, Jagadamba. But Gaurav, you haven't said anything
> > in a while. Do you have any questions about what we've just learned?"
> >
> > Gary: "Yes, Professor, I do have one question: Wouldn't it be simpler to
> > learn to speak Hindi?"
> Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference:
>
> "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai." Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap
> sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.
>
> Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
>
> You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
>
> our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
>
> Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
>
> No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
>
> shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
--><img src='style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->
